those we left behind

when i was young, there was a hole in the wall at school that made noises, like heavy breathing, or weak limbs shuffling. and when i left some of my lunch there, it was replaced by a note which read:

before you were here

i had no god to pray to

when i wasn't here

i had no one to pray for

i kept returning to them, and if i had lunch i would always share. we both didn't like talking so we never did much of it. we just passed notes and listened to each others breathing. when you hear your own in the dark it can be unnerving, recognition of your animality, eat shit die. but when you listen to someone elses, you get reminded of there animality, that they are just as sinful as you, the unwillingness to keep breathing, not sure whether its gonna be ok but sure enough to where your lungs are comfortable resporating on there own, till you notice them and take control. when someone else is breathing you can fall into it, cause i have no control over how you breath, behind that wall. i have no control over you.

the school shut down some years after i left. but you were a pearl buried within a husk, so i came back for you. or the memory, those around me say you were never here. but they lie to me, so i came here, and under mildew wet with hurt, i stuck a hand through the hole in the wall and fell into a shadow.

the whites of his eyes were stirring to me in the gloom. i stirred mine back as he said

when the light dimmed, i knew it was you, because you were the only one out there buried in darkness.

and those we left behind were always drowned in light, but since i met you, i was always drowned in your breathe.

and i held him as i said i felt the same.